🎤 Top Business Headlines

1. U.S.–China Trade Talks in London
Big wigs from the U.S. and China are locked in a standoff in London—no, not fighting over tea, but rare-earth minerals and tech limits. Think of it as a U.N. summit… but with more spreadsheet drama. The talks are edging into Tuesday, and markets are cautiously optimistic—even though Chinese export data is flatter than my last punchline usnews.comtheguardian.com.

2. Qualcomm’s $2.4 b Investment in Alphawave
Qualcomm just dropped a cool $2.4 b to acquire Alphawave, a UK-based chip genius. Why? Because AI runs on chips, and losing that edge is worse than forgetting your punchline on stage theguardian.com+1ft.com+1.

3. WPP CEO Stepping Down
WPP’s boss, Mark Read, is calling it quits as ad agencies struggle to figure out if AI is friend or foe. It’s like hiring a clown for a tech conference—you want entertainment, but are they qualified? ft.com.

4. Executives Rally Against Trump’s Finance Bill
Shell, Toyota, LVMH, and their buddies are storming the Hill to nix Section 899 of Trump’s bill, because taxes on foreign investments are about as welcome as a heckler at open mic night ft.com.

5. IonQ’s $1.1 b Quantum Move
Quantum computing firm IonQ is paying $1.1 b to scoop up a UK startup. Someone’s betting big on quantum—and I thought my joke about Schrödinger’s punchline was edgy ft.com.

6. China’s Mega Embassy in London?
China’s building a massive new embassy in London, and U.K. spy folks are suspicious it might block their VPNs. That’s one way to censor your Netflix queue ft.com.